What happened to easy?

Somehow, someone talked us into having Thanksgiving dinner at our house. Maybe we even volunteered (though that's not exactly what I remember). We were promised that everyone would help and that it would be "easy". It seemed like a good motivation for cleaning the garage since we decided to have the dinner in our "extra room". The garage did get clean and the room did look pretty much like an extra room. We even decided to use plastic plates. The set up wasn't too difficult and everything looked beautiful. I made some fabulous cranberries. Then everyone came over and chaos ensued. I'm sure someone was in charge, but I couldn't figure out who. Mia got most of my attention, so it's all a little blurry. There were about 25 cooks in the kitchen and food everywhere!

After we finished eating it didn't get much better. There was plenty of leftover food and everyone wanted to leave it with us. We don't mind taking extra food, but we're always short on storage containers, so there were plates and plastic bags loaded into the refrigerator. People took most of their serving dishes, but even after everyone left, I looked around the kitchen completely amazed at the amount of cleaning left to do. Thanksgiving dinner had clearly taken over. So much for easy!

Stuff

I have missed going to yoga since Mia was born. It was good to go back last night. My body is so different from what it was before I was pregnant that I don't even know what I can and can't do. In my mind, I can do certain things, but when I try, I am off balance, weak, or sore. Today, I am sore from last night, but I love the feeling because I know that means I worked out hard. Tonight, I think I'll go walking!

I talked to my principal today and she was very understanding about me taking more time off. She did ask that I find a way to keep in contact with the kids while I'm gone, but I can't think of an easy way. What I'd like to do is set up blogs or at least email for each of them so that I could read what they write while I am at home, but I don't know the district rules on that and I get a different answer from each person I talk to. I'm getting the impression that the district rules are not clear for blogging yet. I'm glad I got to talk to the principal though. I feel better being able to tell her in person what my plans are than if I had just extended my leave and let her get notice from the district.

Only 9 days until Thanksgiving at our house! How I got talked into that, I'll never know! I love having the motivation to clean the house though. It certainly is motivating to know that 26 people will be coming and everything needs to be cleaned up. I have so much to do!

I'm really enjoying staying at home. I've been able to finish two scrapbooks and I've done a good portion of a scrapbook for Mia. I've found a faster way to get them done and I love it. Now I just need to buy more books and pages because I've used them all up!

I'm also enjoying the time I've spent taking pictures lately. I've had some good practice with friends setting up shots and figuring out how to position people. It's been a good experience for me and I have more photos to add to my portfolio. Maybe someday, Troy and I will have enough confidence in our abilities to do photography more than as a hobby.

I've come to the conclusion that I enjoy stress. I like to be busy. I think that society tells us that we need to relax any chance we get and take time for ourselves, but being busy energizes me. I like to have a list of things to do each day, even if the list consists of just things around the house. It makes me feel that I have been productive if I can cross off things on the list at the end of the day.

This morning I saw my class off to camp. They were so excited to be going and I wished I could go with them. I will go up Thursday afternoon to visit with them, but it won't be the same as if I were there for the entire week. I do miss my class and the opportunities to get to know them. I'm also extremely disappointed that my sub decided not to go and didn't tell me. She's really missing out on an opportunity to get to know the kids in a different way and build a better relationship with them.

Time to go get some things done! More later . . . .

Creeping In

For a year before I got pregnant with Mia, I took medicine to help me deal with depression, but in order to get pregnant, I had to ditch the drugs. I was nervous, of course, to go without the drugs, but it was the only way. It took 3 or 4 days of feeling sick and dizzy to wean myself off the drugs. We had just moved out of our house into an apartment. Actually, one of the reasons we moved from that house was the fact that it faced north and south and was covered with large trees therefore not receiving much light. That was a contributor to my depression and we thought that a move to a place with more natural light might help.

After our move, I became pregnant relatively quickly. The hormones of preganancy took over and the nesting began. It was nice to have that nesting feeling that gave me little bursts of energy to get things done and urges to cook and clean. Though I felt tired from the added weight and soreness in my back, the depression did not come back. Even when I had vacation from work, I was able to stay home for six weeks and keep pretty busy, not allowing myself to sink into it again.

After Mia was born, I had a lot of healing to do and a lot of learning. I had to get to know my little girl well enough to understand her needs. It was difficult to hear her cry and not understand what she needed. I was fortunate to have Troy home with me for a week. There were times when I would just look at Mia while she was crying and not respond because I had NO IDEA what she wanted. I would call for Troy to take her because I had visions of hurting her. I knew I would never actually do anything to hurt my little one, but the fact that it even came to mind scared me enough that I knew I had to have a break.

I know that right after giving birth a woman's hormones plunge, and that was probably a great contributor to my feelings, so I toughed it out as any woman would have to do. I had my mom over many afternoons to just hold Mia while I sat down or slept. I thought that maybe once I healed completely, I might feel better. I figured that I was just feeling the same things as any other new mother.

Now, I would say I am completely healed (though not exactly the same as before I gave birth) and doing well most days. Some days though, I can feel the depression creeping in. I stay in bed longer, don't take a shower until after lunch, and sometimes forget to open the curtains to let the light in. These are danger signs for me. I feel overwhelmed easily and don't even attempt to take on regular chores around the house. In short, I accomplish nothing. When I planned to stay home with Mia, I knew there was a possibility of depression creeping in.

This week Troy and I started going back to the gym. We just walked on the treadmills, but it felt good to be doing something. I also got a call from school to help put on a cross country meet. Although I knew it would be a lot of work, I was excited about the opportunity to be out of the house with some sort of purpose. Pressure really gets me moving and it felt good. The only way I am going to be able to stay away from depression is to fight it off with exercise and prayer. I can do it, but it's going to be a battle, even with all of the sunlight in our new house.

Full Circle

When I was younger, all I wanted was to be a "Mommy". I thought I would have 5 or 6 kids, many of them adopted. I imagined a house with a playroom for the kids and a craft room for myself. I would enroll them all in dance lessons and karate, and I even considered the idea of homeschooling.

Then I became a teacher. The first year I thought I wouldn't make it. The second year I told myself I'd be able to quit once I got married. But by the third year, I was beginning to enjoy what I was doing. Students I once had came back to visit and told me that I had made a difference and because of me they were getting much better grades. Some even brought their report card for me to see. Many of my former students would pop into my classroom in the afternoons or find me out in the field coaching cross country and stay for HOURS to talk. By the fourth year, though I still struggled, I felt I could teach just about anything. I was "in the groove" and finally beginning to feel organized and successful as my students' test scores showed growth. I realized that it wasn't possible for all of them to achieve A's or even for all of them to score "Proficient" on state testing, but it was possible for all of "my kids" to improve. I showed them their test scores and talked about what I expected from them. We became like a family and I even taught them how to encourage each other. They cheered when we read the test scores each trimester and continually asked when we would get the results from the "Big Test". I felt like I was making a difference.

The work was difficult, overwhelming much of the time, and many weekends I would spend the entire weekend grading papers and entering grades into the computer. Sometimes, even with Troy's help, I wouldn't get my report cards finished on time and would turn them in 2 or 3 days late. The adminsitration didn't care because they knew I was a perfectionist and they would not need to edit my report cards. Most of the time, they did not even look at them.

It is my 7th year, though I have not taught yet this year. I imagined that after having Mia, I would go back to work after the holidays. I figured that by then I would be totally bored with staying at home. Although I miss my friends at work, I am not bored and have decided that I would like to stay at home as long as possible. It's funny how my job took me so far away from my original plan. I almost didn't make it back. I still look forward to teaching in the future, but it does not consume me the way that it did and I'm excited to stay at home and teach my own child. When I go back to work, I won't have missed so many of her "firsts" and perhaps I'll feel more comfortable leaving her.

Never in My Wildest Dreams

I scheduled way more things today than I could handle. Before I had a baby, today would have been no problem. We started with a trip to the eye doctor. I fed Mia before we left and it looked like she might fall asleep before we got there. No such luck. She was not fussy, but she was tired. She had a few fussy moments while I was getting my eyes checked. Then I heard an explosion. I didn't think much of it since she makes those noises all the time and many times it's nothing. When the doctor was finished with the initial tests I picked up her car seat to go to the other room. I felt something wet on my toe. I looked down and saw baby poop. Baby poop (especially when you're breastfeeding) is watery and orangy-yellow and unmistakable. I knew what it was and I knew where it had come from (the baby of course) but I couldn't figure out how it got onto my toe when the baby was in her car seat with a blanket covering her. I picked up the blanket and saw that it was completely clean. The baby herself even looked clean. I started to unbuckle her to take her out and then it all became clear. On both sides of her pants, I could see it leaking down into the openings where the belt buckles come out. She had exploded so hard that it leaked out of her diaper, out of her pants, and down into the crevices of the belt buckle which then dripped out the bottom of the car seat onto my foot. Mystery solved. Clean up ensued. The doctor laughed. I'll make sure to tell Mia this story when she is finally old enough to get her own glasses from Dr. Chinn. How embarrassing!

More than I Bargained For

I have to admit that this little 10 pound creature consumes a lot of time, energy, and most of my thoughts. I am constantly wondering if she is normal, if what I'm doing is right, and what the next step is. I never thought I would worry about some of the things that are now taking up much of the room in my over crowded brain. The rest of my time is spent feeding, changing, burping (the most time consuming part), teaching her to smile, playing with her in the few moments she is actually awake, getting her to sleep, and thinking about how soon she will be awake. My use of time has changed completely and I am beginning to truly understand the importance of multitasking and planning. Trips to the store are much better orchestrated than BMG (before Mia Grace) and take less time, because there just isn't any.

My newest concern is whether or not to vaccinate her. We have come to the conclusion that we are not ready to come to a conclusion before her 2 month old doctor appointment, so the decision is to wait until we find out more. I really thought I would be the type of parent who picked the binky up off the floor, wiped it on my shirt, and stuck it back in the baby's mouth. Instead, I find myself worrying that a binky is a bad idea in the first place.

Don't get me wrong. I do more than just worry. I look at my little angel's beautiful face while she's sleeping, enjoy rubbing her back while she's eating, and try to make her smile every chance I get. I just think she's amazing and wonderful . . . fearfully and wonderfully made.

Cleaning House

How important is it that I have a clean house? I struggle with this daily. I don't know if my desire for a clean house is to please other people (though I'm sure this plays a part) as much as it is a mental health issue for me. I feel frustrated in the midst of chaos and so I look around the house and have the desire to clean up, but not a strong enough motivation to actually get started. I know that when I start, I will not be able to make it look the way that I envision, with everything in its place.

There are things in this house that really just do not have a place. Take the photo albums for example. In our old house, they could be put on a shelf, since we had many. Here, there are no shelves, so the albums sit on coffee tables, the fireplace, and on the t.v. stand. This bothers me to no end because it is clutter. They do not truly have a place. We intend to build bookshelves, but that costs money. Another issue are the books. Again, the problem is the lack of shelves to put them on. Four boxes of books are still in the garage.

The biggest problem is that I like to start projects that are ongoing (such as scrapbooking) or that I don't always finish. These things sometimes sit out for weeks or, if they are put away, they are stashed in the closet that is already full. There doesn't seem to be an effective way to organize these projects. Then, of course, there are the dishes, the laundry, and all of the other daily chores. So, each day I make a choice. Either I will 1) Get some "chores" done or 2) Work on a project 3) Organize something 4) Run errands (real or imagined) 5) Do nothing. Many times (more than I would like to admit) I lean towards option five.

Today, I have imagined some errands for myself, so I am off to OSH to buy some flowers to replace the dead ones in the front yard. Productive, yes, but the house is still a mess. I'm still not sure how much I care.