Thursday, November 22, 2007

What happened to easy?

Somehow, someone talked us into having Thanksgiving dinner at our house. Maybe we even volunteered (though that's not exactly what I remember). We were promised that everyone would help and that it would be "easy". It seemed like a good motivation for cleaning the garage since we decided to have the dinner in our "extra room". The garage did get clean and the room did look pretty much like an extra room. We even decided to use plastic plates. The set up wasn't too difficult and everything looked beautiful. I made some fabulous cranberries. Then everyone came over and chaos ensued. I'm sure someone was in charge, but I couldn't figure out who. Mia got most of my attention, so it's all a little blurry. There were about 25 cooks in the kitchen and food everywhere!

After we finished eating it didn't get much better. There was plenty of leftover food and everyone wanted to leave it with us. We don't mind taking extra food, but we're always short on storage containers, so there were plates and plastic bags loaded into the refrigerator. People took most of their serving dishes, but even after everyone left, I looked around the kitchen completely amazed at the amount of cleaning left to do. Thanksgiving dinner had clearly taken over. So much for easy!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


I have missed going to yoga since Mia was born. It was good to go back last night. My body is so different from what it was before I was pregnant that I don't even know what I can and can't do. In my mind, I can do certain things, but when I try, I am off balance, weak, or sore. Today, I am sore from last night, but I love the feeling because I know that means I worked out hard. Tonight, I think I'll go walking!

I talked to my principal today and she was very understanding about me taking more time off. She did ask that I find a way to keep in contact with the kids while I'm gone, but I can't think of an easy way. What I'd like to do is set up blogs or at least email for each of them so that I could read what they write while I am at home, but I don't know the district rules on that and I get a different answer from each person I talk to. I'm getting the impression that the district rules are not clear for blogging yet. I'm glad I got to talk to the principal though. I feel better being able to tell her in person what my plans are than if I had just extended my leave and let her get notice from the district.

Only 9 days until Thanksgiving at our house! How I got talked into that, I'll never know! I love having the motivation to clean the house though. It certainly is motivating to know that 26 people will be coming and everything needs to be cleaned up. I have so much to do!

I'm really enjoying staying at home. I've been able to finish two scrapbooks and I've done a good portion of a scrapbook for Mia. I've found a faster way to get them done and I love it. Now I just need to buy more books and pages because I've used them all up!

I'm also enjoying the time I've spent taking pictures lately. I've had some good practice with friends setting up shots and figuring out how to position people. It's been a good experience for me and I have more photos to add to my portfolio. Maybe someday, Troy and I will have enough confidence in our abilities to do photography more than as a hobby.

I've come to the conclusion that I enjoy stress. I like to be busy. I think that society tells us that we need to relax any chance we get and take time for ourselves, but being busy energizes me. I like to have a list of things to do each day, even if the list consists of just things around the house. It makes me feel that I have been productive if I can cross off things on the list at the end of the day.

This morning I saw my class off to camp. They were so excited to be going and I wished I could go with them. I will go up Thursday afternoon to visit with them, but it won't be the same as if I were there for the entire week. I do miss my class and the opportunities to get to know them. I'm also extremely disappointed that my sub decided not to go and didn't tell me. She's really missing out on an opportunity to get to know the kids in a different way and build a better relationship with them.

Time to go get some things done! More later . . . .

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Creeping In

For a year before I got pregnant with Mia, I took medicine to help me deal with depression, but in order to get pregnant, I had to ditch the drugs. I was nervous, of course, to go without the drugs, but it was the only way. It took 3 or 4 days of feeling sick and dizzy to wean myself off the drugs. We had just moved out of our house into an apartment. Actually, one of the reasons we moved from that house was the fact that it faced north and south and was covered with large trees therefore not receiving much light. That was a contributor to my depression and we thought that a move to a place with more natural light might help.

After our move, I became pregnant relatively quickly. The hormones of preganancy took over and the nesting began. It was nice to have that nesting feeling that gave me little bursts of energy to get things done and urges to cook and clean. Though I felt tired from the added weight and soreness in my back, the depression did not come back. Even when I had vacation from work, I was able to stay home for six weeks and keep pretty busy, not allowing myself to sink into it again.

After Mia was born, I had a lot of healing to do and a lot of learning. I had to get to know my little girl well enough to understand her needs. It was difficult to hear her cry and not understand what she needed. I was fortunate to have Troy home with me for a week. There were times when I would just look at Mia while she was crying and not respond because I had NO IDEA what she wanted. I would call for Troy to take her because I had visions of hurting her. I knew I would never actually do anything to hurt my little one, but the fact that it even came to mind scared me enough that I knew I had to have a break.

I know that right after giving birth a woman's hormones plunge, and that was probably a great contributor to my feelings, so I toughed it out as any woman would have to do. I had my mom over many afternoons to just hold Mia while I sat down or slept. I thought that maybe once I healed completely, I might feel better. I figured that I was just feeling the same things as any other new mother.

Now, I would say I am completely healed (though not exactly the same as before I gave birth) and doing well most days. Some days though, I can feel the depression creeping in. I stay in bed longer, don't take a shower until after lunch, and sometimes forget to open the curtains to let the light in. These are danger signs for me. I feel overwhelmed easily and don't even attempt to take on regular chores around the house. In short, I accomplish nothing. When I planned to stay home with Mia, I knew there was a possibility of depression creeping in.

This week Troy and I started going back to the gym. We just walked on the treadmills, but it felt good to be doing something. I also got a call from school to help put on a cross country meet. Although I knew it would be a lot of work, I was excited about the opportunity to be out of the house with some sort of purpose. Pressure really gets me moving and it felt good. The only way I am going to be able to stay away from depression is to fight it off with exercise and prayer. I can do it, but it's going to be a battle, even with all of the sunlight in our new house.