Creeping In

For a year before I got pregnant with Mia, I took medicine to help me deal with depression, but in order to get pregnant, I had to ditch the drugs. I was nervous, of course, to go without the drugs, but it was the only way. It took 3 or 4 days of feeling sick and dizzy to wean myself off the drugs. We had just moved out of our house into an apartment. Actually, one of the reasons we moved from that house was the fact that it faced north and south and was covered with large trees therefore not receiving much light. That was a contributor to my depression and we thought that a move to a place with more natural light might help.

After our move, I became pregnant relatively quickly. The hormones of preganancy took over and the nesting began. It was nice to have that nesting feeling that gave me little bursts of energy to get things done and urges to cook and clean. Though I felt tired from the added weight and soreness in my back, the depression did not come back. Even when I had vacation from work, I was able to stay home for six weeks and keep pretty busy, not allowing myself to sink into it again.

After Mia was born, I had a lot of healing to do and a lot of learning. I had to get to know my little girl well enough to understand her needs. It was difficult to hear her cry and not understand what she needed. I was fortunate to have Troy home with me for a week. There were times when I would just look at Mia while she was crying and not respond because I had NO IDEA what she wanted. I would call for Troy to take her because I had visions of hurting her. I knew I would never actually do anything to hurt my little one, but the fact that it even came to mind scared me enough that I knew I had to have a break.

I know that right after giving birth a woman's hormones plunge, and that was probably a great contributor to my feelings, so I toughed it out as any woman would have to do. I had my mom over many afternoons to just hold Mia while I sat down or slept. I thought that maybe once I healed completely, I might feel better. I figured that I was just feeling the same things as any other new mother.

Now, I would say I am completely healed (though not exactly the same as before I gave birth) and doing well most days. Some days though, I can feel the depression creeping in. I stay in bed longer, don't take a shower until after lunch, and sometimes forget to open the curtains to let the light in. These are danger signs for me. I feel overwhelmed easily and don't even attempt to take on regular chores around the house. In short, I accomplish nothing. When I planned to stay home with Mia, I knew there was a possibility of depression creeping in.

This week Troy and I started going back to the gym. We just walked on the treadmills, but it felt good to be doing something. I also got a call from school to help put on a cross country meet. Although I knew it would be a lot of work, I was excited about the opportunity to be out of the house with some sort of purpose. Pressure really gets me moving and it felt good. The only way I am going to be able to stay away from depression is to fight it off with exercise and prayer. I can do it, but it's going to be a battle, even with all of the sunlight in our new house.