1 a.m.

I just feel sick to my stomach not knowing. I HATE change. When I was in elementary school, I went to 9 different schools. I've moved 29 times in my life. That must be a big part of why I can't stand change.

I am fiercely loyal to tradition and sameness. My day feels wrong when I get out of my "routine".

Monday I will find out what school I've been placed at to teach next year. In the last ten years, I have been through changes in principals, changes in curriculum, and changes in staff, but never have I changed anything on my own, on purpose.

I have stayed at Wilson because it was my first love. The staff there has always felt so welcoming and genuine. They genuinely care about each other and the future of the school and their students.

I have stayed in the 6th grade because I fell in love with my 6th grade teacher and never forgot her. She was such a powerful player in my life and gave me such a sense of stability in times of turmoil. I hope that I was able to do that for the students I taught. Each one of them had their own unique story and after learning who they were each year, it was so painful to let them go, knowing I may not ever know how their story ends.

Change started when I had Mia. When she was two weeks old, I could sense change happening, but I didn't know what it would look like in the end. I didn't know then that I would decide to take more time off work than I had planned. I didn't know I would choose her over work, but feel so conflicted and torn because of my loyalty to my students and coworkers, all the time knowing that she was my most important student.

I didn't know that my school would change while I was away. I didn't know that I would lie awake tonight worried about working at a school where I don't "know the rules". And I didn't know that I would ultimately feel cheated and unfairly discarded by the new administration.

I know that God works on us most when we are walking through the desert, but I feel like I've been in that desert for the majority of my life and I really just need some rest. I pray for some relief.

I will never regret spending more time with Mia than time at work. I will never regret having made loyalties to Wilson school and the students, parents, and teachers there. I just wish it wasn't all so painful. And I wish I could sleep at night. I dream constantly and can't sleep well anymore.

I know that change is a part of life, but I hate it.