Always learning the hard way . . .

This last month has been a crazy time. Mia has been sick, Troy and I have been to the ER more than once, and I've just had surgery. When things like this happen, I always think about what God is trying to tell us through it all. I have been ignoring God for quite some time when he has told me to get outside in the sunshine and go for a walk, or when I feel him pushing me to fill my body with more healthy food. Troy and I both had not been making time to read our Bibles or pray regularly. We were just getting caught up in the day to day stuff and feeling overwhelmed. Had we taken the time to sit down and pray, perhaps things would have fallen into place better, but God couldn't seem to get our attention. So, God did what He is best at . . . He made us slow down and listen by giving us events that were out of our control. We were forced to take a look at what we had been ignoring and it has already changed us. It seems that I always have to learn the hard way, but God never fails to teach me. I am so thankful for the time I have with Troy and Mia now and I treasure each day that we are healthy, because I realize how quickly things can change.

I love singing to Mia. It seems like a miracle to me, but my daughter loves to hear me sing. I probably would not ever let anyone else hear me because I know my family has a reputation for being more than a little off key. Every time I start to sing, she looks at me and smiles. It calms her when she's upset. So I sing, but not for anyone but Mia. Not even Troy . . .

Mia's First Christmas

Mia's first Christmas was a long one, but overall a very fun time. We started out with a trip to Pismo that I very carefully planned around Mia's feeding schedule. We left WAY later than we expected to, but it actually worked out better that way. Mia fell asleep for the first part of the trip while we listened to talk radio (Troy's new thing). They were playing some of Reagan's old speeches from when he was president and it was really interesting. I was fairly young when he was president so it was interesting to hear that some of the issues that were dealt with back then still have not been resolved.

We stopped along the freeway at a gas station to feed Mia. She was so funny! She started to eat and then would look up and smile at me. Then she would eat again. Then smile. She went on like this for the entire feeding. She just couldn't concentrate. She thought everything was funny! I had heard that at 4 months, babies start to look around while eating and are less interested, but this was just too funny! It didn't seem like she ate much, but we strapped her back into her carseat and took off again. She fell asleep shortly and slept until we reached Arroyo Grande. We arrived at the Vasquezes house at about 11pm, so I knew that I would feed Mia and put her right to bed. Troy started setting up the Pack N' Play and I sat down on the couch. Mia had woken up and was looking all around at the lights. She LOVED all the Christmas lights and I was thinking, "Great, now she'll never sleep." But she ate well and then I put her in her bed. She looked at me and smiled like she thought this was the best place in the world. I really didn't think she'd sleep, but she was out about 20 minutes later.

The next day, we woke up to a room full of presents. Linda had stockings for both of the girls. There was a Little People nativity set and a dancing snowman. It was very magical. Todd and Lisa showed up at about 9am, but we hadn't heard from Travis and Vanessa. Lisa called them and they said they had just woken up and were on their way. They were supposed to leave at 6am, but Troy and I had already bet on what time they would arrive (I said 10:30 and Troy said 10am). Todd got in on the bet and said 11am, which left Lisa with 11:30. Well, none of us were right. They arrived at 12:30! Needless to say, the schedule was a bit off, Trinity hadn't had a nap and we needed lunch, so we went to Splash Cafe and had clam chowder leaving Trinity behind with Grandma and Grandpa to take a nap. When we arrived back at the house, we opened presents, did our traditional present "hunt", and ate steak and potatoes for dinner. Troy and I cried when we got Mia's carseat because it means more time for me to stay home with my little girl because we won't have to spend the money. We, of course, watched videos on UTube and shared computer knowledge. Then we all settled in to watch the Ocean video on the new plasma tv.

We left for Fresno the next morning so that we could get back in time for Grandpa Jim to read the Christmas Story that evening.

The next day was Christmas Eve. We arrived at the Spaulding's for our traditional Christmas lunch (a little late so that Matt could work a few hours and get paid for a full day). We popped our poppers and told silly jokes and wore our paper hats. Mia received some really cute clothes and a musical ornament that she loved AND another carseat! With two, we have one for each car and no worries about buying one.

That night, we put Mia in her "princess" dress for Aunt Joanne's Christmas party. Mia hadn't napped well during the day and was a little bit grumpy. (I was probably more worried than she was grumpy). We ate, took family pictures, and sang (off key, but whatever). Mia loved the singing. She was tired but pushed through it. We tried to put her down for a nap, but there was too much excitement. By the time we got into the car, she was so tired, she cried half of the way home until she just conked out in the carseat.

The next morning was Christmas. We had a small celebration at home. Mia had her Christmas breakfast (Momma's milk) and opened her presents (a beanie and some socks). We took a few pictures and then it was off to Grandma's house.

Grandma's was the same as always, except that Grandpa didn't look as good as he usually does. We took the famous "kids" picture in front of the tree. We're all so tall and there are so many of us that you can't even see that we're standing in front of the tree anymore. Jaime played the part of Santa's elf and handed presents to Grandpa who said, "Now hear this!" to get out attention. We conspired and threw many paper wads at Uncle Greg and others. Grandma said her usual, "If you don't like it you can exchange it" bit and the kids left the room the minute all the gifts had been unwrapped. Mia had a good time. She loved the rattle from Grandma and slurped on it for a long time. We had the usual food; bread, turkey, ham, and other sandwich fixings, green and red jello, onion dip and chips, and Christmas cookies. This Christmas, I felt more than ever that every moment needed to be captured on camera or video because I wonder how long we will be able to continue having Christmases this way. I'm sure I annoyed people with my camera, but I don't want to miss any opportunities to capture our traditions.

That night, we went to my mom's for dinner, which is becoming a tradition of its own. Mia got her first doll (and it looks just like her). This was the first year that Matt, Mike, Heather, Troy, and I didn't exchange gifts. We chose to sponsor a family instead and I was really glad that we did. The gift exchange didn't feel any less full than before. I just kept thinking about the girls that we bought gifts for and wondering if they liked what we chose for them.

So, that's it in a nutshell (a really big nutshell), our neverending Christmas. We do it every year. This time Mia was just along for the ride. Next year, she'll be running the show!

These last 4 months

Mia is four months old now and I am absolutely loving every minute with her. I am astounded daily by what she can do and how much she understands. I watch every movement she makes with amazement. How can something so small learn so much so fast?

She's a good baby, so everyone tells me that if I have another one, it will be terrible. We'll see. Right now, I'm thankful that Mia is so scheduled. That makes her easy to read most of the time. I used to have to wake her up each morning at 7:30am, but not she wakes up on her own. You would think that she would cry or something to tell me that she is awake, but she doesn't. She just looks around the room and does this adorable thing where she puts her two chubby little hands together and kind of wrings her hands. When Troy or I get up and she sees us looking at her, she just smiles! Then she coos and babbles while I change her diaper and get her dressed. I love it!

For naptime, she's just as good. She wimpers once or twice. I change her diaper, wrap her in a blanket and sing a song. She chews on her hands and sucks her thumb while I sing. Sometimes she evens sings along with me! Then I put her in her crib awake and kiss her on the forehead. I tell her goodnight and she goes back to chewing on her hands. I can't imagine a better baby. Most days are like that. Of course she does fuss in the evening sometimes, but it is the exception more than the rule. Now I know why Troy's grandma called him Troy Joy. He must have been as pleasant as my Mia.

The pediatrician seems concerned that Mia has not rolled over yet, but I'm not worried. As a teacher, I know that all kids develop at different rates. She'll do it sooner or later. Right now she's just really enjoying grabbing things with her hands. It's fun to watch her concentrate. She can grab just about anything, so we have to be careful. Of course, everything goes in her mouth.

She's also a good eater. She has learned that when she gets up from her nap, the next event is a diaper change and then she eats. Sometimes, while I am changing her diaper, she opens her mouth (and keeps it open for quite some time) to let me know she is ready to eat. When she and I sit down in the chair where I feed her, she will often open her mouth too, as if to say, "Okay momma, I'm ready!"

I'm just really enjoying being a mommy!

What happened to easy?

Somehow, someone talked us into having Thanksgiving dinner at our house. Maybe we even volunteered (though that's not exactly what I remember). We were promised that everyone would help and that it would be "easy". It seemed like a good motivation for cleaning the garage since we decided to have the dinner in our "extra room". The garage did get clean and the room did look pretty much like an extra room. We even decided to use plastic plates. The set up wasn't too difficult and everything looked beautiful. I made some fabulous cranberries. Then everyone came over and chaos ensued. I'm sure someone was in charge, but I couldn't figure out who. Mia got most of my attention, so it's all a little blurry. There were about 25 cooks in the kitchen and food everywhere!

After we finished eating it didn't get much better. There was plenty of leftover food and everyone wanted to leave it with us. We don't mind taking extra food, but we're always short on storage containers, so there were plates and plastic bags loaded into the refrigerator. People took most of their serving dishes, but even after everyone left, I looked around the kitchen completely amazed at the amount of cleaning left to do. Thanksgiving dinner had clearly taken over. So much for easy!

Stuff

I have missed going to yoga since Mia was born. It was good to go back last night. My body is so different from what it was before I was pregnant that I don't even know what I can and can't do. In my mind, I can do certain things, but when I try, I am off balance, weak, or sore. Today, I am sore from last night, but I love the feeling because I know that means I worked out hard. Tonight, I think I'll go walking!

I talked to my principal today and she was very understanding about me taking more time off. She did ask that I find a way to keep in contact with the kids while I'm gone, but I can't think of an easy way. What I'd like to do is set up blogs or at least email for each of them so that I could read what they write while I am at home, but I don't know the district rules on that and I get a different answer from each person I talk to. I'm getting the impression that the district rules are not clear for blogging yet. I'm glad I got to talk to the principal though. I feel better being able to tell her in person what my plans are than if I had just extended my leave and let her get notice from the district.

Only 9 days until Thanksgiving at our house! How I got talked into that, I'll never know! I love having the motivation to clean the house though. It certainly is motivating to know that 26 people will be coming and everything needs to be cleaned up. I have so much to do!

I'm really enjoying staying at home. I've been able to finish two scrapbooks and I've done a good portion of a scrapbook for Mia. I've found a faster way to get them done and I love it. Now I just need to buy more books and pages because I've used them all up!

I'm also enjoying the time I've spent taking pictures lately. I've had some good practice with friends setting up shots and figuring out how to position people. It's been a good experience for me and I have more photos to add to my portfolio. Maybe someday, Troy and I will have enough confidence in our abilities to do photography more than as a hobby.

I've come to the conclusion that I enjoy stress. I like to be busy. I think that society tells us that we need to relax any chance we get and take time for ourselves, but being busy energizes me. I like to have a list of things to do each day, even if the list consists of just things around the house. It makes me feel that I have been productive if I can cross off things on the list at the end of the day.

This morning I saw my class off to camp. They were so excited to be going and I wished I could go with them. I will go up Thursday afternoon to visit with them, but it won't be the same as if I were there for the entire week. I do miss my class and the opportunities to get to know them. I'm also extremely disappointed that my sub decided not to go and didn't tell me. She's really missing out on an opportunity to get to know the kids in a different way and build a better relationship with them.

Time to go get some things done! More later . . . .

Creeping In

For a year before I got pregnant with Mia, I took medicine to help me deal with depression, but in order to get pregnant, I had to ditch the drugs. I was nervous, of course, to go without the drugs, but it was the only way. It took 3 or 4 days of feeling sick and dizzy to wean myself off the drugs. We had just moved out of our house into an apartment. Actually, one of the reasons we moved from that house was the fact that it faced north and south and was covered with large trees therefore not receiving much light. That was a contributor to my depression and we thought that a move to a place with more natural light might help.

After our move, I became pregnant relatively quickly. The hormones of preganancy took over and the nesting began. It was nice to have that nesting feeling that gave me little bursts of energy to get things done and urges to cook and clean. Though I felt tired from the added weight and soreness in my back, the depression did not come back. Even when I had vacation from work, I was able to stay home for six weeks and keep pretty busy, not allowing myself to sink into it again.

After Mia was born, I had a lot of healing to do and a lot of learning. I had to get to know my little girl well enough to understand her needs. It was difficult to hear her cry and not understand what she needed. I was fortunate to have Troy home with me for a week. There were times when I would just look at Mia while she was crying and not respond because I had NO IDEA what she wanted. I would call for Troy to take her because I had visions of hurting her. I knew I would never actually do anything to hurt my little one, but the fact that it even came to mind scared me enough that I knew I had to have a break.

I know that right after giving birth a woman's hormones plunge, and that was probably a great contributor to my feelings, so I toughed it out as any woman would have to do. I had my mom over many afternoons to just hold Mia while I sat down or slept. I thought that maybe once I healed completely, I might feel better. I figured that I was just feeling the same things as any other new mother.

Now, I would say I am completely healed (though not exactly the same as before I gave birth) and doing well most days. Some days though, I can feel the depression creeping in. I stay in bed longer, don't take a shower until after lunch, and sometimes forget to open the curtains to let the light in. These are danger signs for me. I feel overwhelmed easily and don't even attempt to take on regular chores around the house. In short, I accomplish nothing. When I planned to stay home with Mia, I knew there was a possibility of depression creeping in.

This week Troy and I started going back to the gym. We just walked on the treadmills, but it felt good to be doing something. I also got a call from school to help put on a cross country meet. Although I knew it would be a lot of work, I was excited about the opportunity to be out of the house with some sort of purpose. Pressure really gets me moving and it felt good. The only way I am going to be able to stay away from depression is to fight it off with exercise and prayer. I can do it, but it's going to be a battle, even with all of the sunlight in our new house.