Full Circle

When I was younger, all I wanted was to be a "Mommy". I thought I would have 5 or 6 kids, many of them adopted. I imagined a house with a playroom for the kids and a craft room for myself. I would enroll them all in dance lessons and karate, and I even considered the idea of homeschooling.

Then I became a teacher. The first year I thought I wouldn't make it. The second year I told myself I'd be able to quit once I got married. But by the third year, I was beginning to enjoy what I was doing. Students I once had came back to visit and told me that I had made a difference and because of me they were getting much better grades. Some even brought their report card for me to see. Many of my former students would pop into my classroom in the afternoons or find me out in the field coaching cross country and stay for HOURS to talk. By the fourth year, though I still struggled, I felt I could teach just about anything. I was "in the groove" and finally beginning to feel organized and successful as my students' test scores showed growth. I realized that it wasn't possible for all of them to achieve A's or even for all of them to score "Proficient" on state testing, but it was possible for all of "my kids" to improve. I showed them their test scores and talked about what I expected from them. We became like a family and I even taught them how to encourage each other. They cheered when we read the test scores each trimester and continually asked when we would get the results from the "Big Test". I felt like I was making a difference.

The work was difficult, overwhelming much of the time, and many weekends I would spend the entire weekend grading papers and entering grades into the computer. Sometimes, even with Troy's help, I wouldn't get my report cards finished on time and would turn them in 2 or 3 days late. The adminsitration didn't care because they knew I was a perfectionist and they would not need to edit my report cards. Most of the time, they did not even look at them.

It is my 7th year, though I have not taught yet this year. I imagined that after having Mia, I would go back to work after the holidays. I figured that by then I would be totally bored with staying at home. Although I miss my friends at work, I am not bored and have decided that I would like to stay at home as long as possible. It's funny how my job took me so far away from my original plan. I almost didn't make it back. I still look forward to teaching in the future, but it does not consume me the way that it did and I'm excited to stay at home and teach my own child. When I go back to work, I won't have missed so many of her "firsts" and perhaps I'll feel more comfortable leaving her.

Never in My Wildest Dreams

I scheduled way more things today than I could handle. Before I had a baby, today would have been no problem. We started with a trip to the eye doctor. I fed Mia before we left and it looked like she might fall asleep before we got there. No such luck. She was not fussy, but she was tired. She had a few fussy moments while I was getting my eyes checked. Then I heard an explosion. I didn't think much of it since she makes those noises all the time and many times it's nothing. When the doctor was finished with the initial tests I picked up her car seat to go to the other room. I felt something wet on my toe. I looked down and saw baby poop. Baby poop (especially when you're breastfeeding) is watery and orangy-yellow and unmistakable. I knew what it was and I knew where it had come from (the baby of course) but I couldn't figure out how it got onto my toe when the baby was in her car seat with a blanket covering her. I picked up the blanket and saw that it was completely clean. The baby herself even looked clean. I started to unbuckle her to take her out and then it all became clear. On both sides of her pants, I could see it leaking down into the openings where the belt buckles come out. She had exploded so hard that it leaked out of her diaper, out of her pants, and down into the crevices of the belt buckle which then dripped out the bottom of the car seat onto my foot. Mystery solved. Clean up ensued. The doctor laughed. I'll make sure to tell Mia this story when she is finally old enough to get her own glasses from Dr. Chinn. How embarrassing!

More than I Bargained For

I have to admit that this little 10 pound creature consumes a lot of time, energy, and most of my thoughts. I am constantly wondering if she is normal, if what I'm doing is right, and what the next step is. I never thought I would worry about some of the things that are now taking up much of the room in my over crowded brain. The rest of my time is spent feeding, changing, burping (the most time consuming part), teaching her to smile, playing with her in the few moments she is actually awake, getting her to sleep, and thinking about how soon she will be awake. My use of time has changed completely and I am beginning to truly understand the importance of multitasking and planning. Trips to the store are much better orchestrated than BMG (before Mia Grace) and take less time, because there just isn't any.

My newest concern is whether or not to vaccinate her. We have come to the conclusion that we are not ready to come to a conclusion before her 2 month old doctor appointment, so the decision is to wait until we find out more. I really thought I would be the type of parent who picked the binky up off the floor, wiped it on my shirt, and stuck it back in the baby's mouth. Instead, I find myself worrying that a binky is a bad idea in the first place.

Don't get me wrong. I do more than just worry. I look at my little angel's beautiful face while she's sleeping, enjoy rubbing her back while she's eating, and try to make her smile every chance I get. I just think she's amazing and wonderful . . . fearfully and wonderfully made.

Cleaning House

How important is it that I have a clean house? I struggle with this daily. I don't know if my desire for a clean house is to please other people (though I'm sure this plays a part) as much as it is a mental health issue for me. I feel frustrated in the midst of chaos and so I look around the house and have the desire to clean up, but not a strong enough motivation to actually get started. I know that when I start, I will not be able to make it look the way that I envision, with everything in its place.

There are things in this house that really just do not have a place. Take the photo albums for example. In our old house, they could be put on a shelf, since we had many. Here, there are no shelves, so the albums sit on coffee tables, the fireplace, and on the t.v. stand. This bothers me to no end because it is clutter. They do not truly have a place. We intend to build bookshelves, but that costs money. Another issue are the books. Again, the problem is the lack of shelves to put them on. Four boxes of books are still in the garage.

The biggest problem is that I like to start projects that are ongoing (such as scrapbooking) or that I don't always finish. These things sometimes sit out for weeks or, if they are put away, they are stashed in the closet that is already full. There doesn't seem to be an effective way to organize these projects. Then, of course, there are the dishes, the laundry, and all of the other daily chores. So, each day I make a choice. Either I will 1) Get some "chores" done or 2) Work on a project 3) Organize something 4) Run errands (real or imagined) 5) Do nothing. Many times (more than I would like to admit) I lean towards option five.

Today, I have imagined some errands for myself, so I am off to OSH to buy some flowers to replace the dead ones in the front yard. Productive, yes, but the house is still a mess. I'm still not sure how much I care.

Laughing!

Today Mia laughed! Just before Troy got home, I was playing with her and tickling her chin to get her to smile. Instead of just smiling, she laughed. We thought it was so amazing and we just kept trying to make her do it over and over. We got out the video camera and got a little on tape. It was really awesome to see her laugh.

Mia is one month old already!

I can't believe how fast this has gone already. Mia is growing so big! She is 10 pounds 1 ounce and growing more every second. She can hold her head up, and she's so alert! She looks around more and really likes to look at faces. We love her smiles. She is playful, especially with Daddy. He makes goofy faces at her. She pushes herself up with her arms and legs when she's on her tummy. We think we'll have a mobile child on our hands pretty soon! She's a really good sleeper and gives us a few good hours of sleep at night. We think she's the most beautiful little girl we've ever seen. Sometimes we just look at her for hours. Daddy loves dressing her in pink and I've given in . . . a little. She is pretty adorable in just about anything, even pink.

Shopping!

We successfully left the house today! It was just Mia and me. I felt pretty rested, and there was a sale at Kohl's, so I thought we'd give it a try. Just to make sure, I went on the internet and looked up postpartum driving because my mom thinks the doctor should have given me instructions not to drive. Everything I read said that it would be fine as long as I didn't have a C-section. I called Troy, almost expecting that he would reject the idea of us going out, but he was all for it. We were on our way. It felt good to put on real clothes and drive somewhere. It was actually pretty easy to pack up the baby and getting the stroller out wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Mia was perfect. She slept the whole time, and after going to Kohl's, I was feeling pretty confident that we slipped into Marshall's too. I bought Mia a Ralph Lauren dress for $20, that sells for $60 at Macy's. We didn't spend long on our outing, but it was a pleasant change of scenery from the nursing chair in Mia's room.

Later that afternoon, I read Mia a book for the first time. I was reading one of my books about babies last night and was surprised to learn that I should be reading to my newborn. She seems to small to really benefit or even be able to sit long enough for a story. I was shocked when I turned the pages and she focused on the pictures. She loved the bright colors and was quiet and focused as I read. She seemed to really enjoy the rhythm of my voice as I read to her. That must be because she heard me read to my 6th graders so often while I was pregnant.

We gave Mia another bath tonight. Again, I am amazed at how well she likes to be bathed. We haven't put her in a real bathtub yet, but she loves the sponge bathing. Troy soaps up her head first and then pours warm water over it to rinse. To look at her, you would think we had taken her for a baby spa treatment. She looks so content. I thought she would cry when we put the water on her, but she loves it!